I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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