Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
