I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
