i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
