Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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I just googled if crying burns calories
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
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Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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