I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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