there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
