I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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