Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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