you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
