a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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