ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
