Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
