Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
