I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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