Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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