tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
