If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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