I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
