I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
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The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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