shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
