just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
