She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
