Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
