i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
