Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
