It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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