Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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