So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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