apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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