i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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