i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
