Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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