I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
