you're like a bully in the Christmas story
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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