i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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