it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
