Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
