one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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