My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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