you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
