he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
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Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
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How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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