he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
