You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
