i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Randomize
