when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
