she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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