You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
