Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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