I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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