So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
