I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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