i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He felt like a one man threesome
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.