so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
