Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
