I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
