The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Randomize
