If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
