Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
